Damnit, Brilliance.

If you die, I'm going to kill you.

It's never too late, Brilliance.

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

Let me help. Please.

You survived, and I was so relieved. You're okay.

But you're just so tired. I understand that. I've been through it. I haven't acted on it in the same way, but I do understand some. I know that you think no one understands, but I have been through something very similar. I don't understand completely, but I do understand. And I want so desperately to help. Please don't do that again. Please don't put us through that.

I know life is wearing you out. But that's what we're here for. I want to be your friend, if you'll let me. I'm here for you. I want you to beat life. I want you to be able to look at life and say, "You tried to get rid of me, you tried to leave me behind. But I am still here. I have prevailed. I am the victorious, and I am your master. You are not mine, and I won't follow your path anymore." I want you to be the master of your own life. Don't just control the pain. Control the fact that you won't submit yourself to the pain. Control the fact that you can make it stop. I want you to have that power, and to exercise it. Stop being so submissive! That's not you, that's not who you are! You have always been an intimidating, dominating person. Dominate your own pain! Accept it, but control it. Don't let it wash over you like a tidal wave. Step into it like a dark pool and face it. Swim, Brilliance. Master those cold waves, be strong. I will stand on the shore waiting for you. If you ask I will jump in and help pull you back to safety.

For once, I agree with her.

"If you set your mind to something than you can do it, but only if you believe in yourself and not give up. I know people who set their mind to something and then they just give up because it's too hard or whatever, going at that rate you'll never get anything done. You need to have confidence in yourself, even if other people don't. When people don't think I can do something that makes me only want to do it more, so I can later down the road say "HAHA! I did it without you." I hate when people doubt me or just anyone in general because that's basically saying "you're stupid and you can't do it" but honestly you can do whatever you want if you just believe in yourself. Don't let other people bring you down just do what makes you happy." - Cassandra Sifuentes

I cannot believe that.

I cannot believe you. Goddammit, Whore, your sister could be dead! I can't believe that you wouldn't care. Maybe you aren't friends with her, maybe you really don't like her, but I simply can't believe that you don't care if she dies or not. She's been in her room all day. She drank half a bottle of prescription cough syrup. With codeine. CODEINE. Dammit! You won't even just check to see if she's alive so that those who do care about her know. Damn. You are despicable. I can't even think of any words horrid and disgusting enough to describe you, and that's a feat. You are pathetic.

Brilliance, I'm so sorry that you had to live with that worthless piece of shit. No, she is worse than shit.

I'm sorry. Please be okay. Please come back.

It's my fault.

What exactly is going on? Why is everything so twisted and fucked up? Why is it that all of the people I care for are the ones who have life clawing down their throat the most, having it slowly rip them to shreds as I sit here, mute and handicapped, but sadly not blind or deaf. I see their faces contorted in pain, the tears running down their cheeks. I hear their screams, their pleas for help, for anything to make it stop. Yet here I am, unable to offer one word of comfort, unable to take them away from this, unable to do anything but site here and stare in horror and regret and distress.

Dance is gay. I always though he was. I'm glad. If he was when we were 'dating', I wouldn't be surprised. But I'm glad he has the courage not to hide it any longer. But he is slowly losing his sanity as he tries, unsuccessfully, to meet the worlds' expectations of him. I wish I knew how to tell him that the world doesn't matter. That the ones who matter wouldn't let this affect their feelings toward him. He is dying. He no longer has any will to live. His body is shutting down, slowly attacking itself in it's quest for peace. He only eats to avoid headaches and to retain his ability to think as clearly as he can.

Brilliance might have overdosed this morning. She could be dead or in a coma right now. Future has been trying to call her house all day, but there has never been any answer. I can only hope that means that her family finally decided to get some sense and took her to the hospital. But I can't help but to think that it is partly my fault that she would do that. She lives for Future, and no matter what he says, I steal feel like I stole him somehow. They fed off each other, built each other up and tore each other down. He finally made himself into someone that she could be with, and he came back to school to see her. Not me. He wasn't planning on getting back together, but he sure as hell didn't want to make it any worse. She had rejected who he was, and I had given him only scorn. I didn't just kick him when he was down, I beat him to a bloody pulp. I still don't know how he has forgiven me for that. Somehow, I found all his weak spots and exposed them, pricking him with little thorns that hurt more than I ever thought they would. But if I had known that, would I have stopped? I doubt it. I was ignorant. I though only for myself. I think that deep down I really did like him, but it was easier just to follow Insanity's lead and look down on him. It's just that I was so much better at it then she was. I always have been good at making people feel horrible. I have a way with words, I suppose. I twist them around, encircling my victim, and then just keep twisting until every spark of life has been squeezed from that poor soul. And then he left. And I forgot him. But while he was gone, I grew up. Not completely. I'm still growing up now. But I learned how to treat others. He came back then, and he seemed happy. I was glad. I don't know why. Maybe I was glad to see that I hadn't done any permanent damage. This was my birthday, the day he came back. We exchanged e-mail addresses, and we actually started flirting. I guess we just had more courage over the internet. Then I found his blog. I learned more about him and Brilliance, and I knew, even though he didn't, that she still cared for him. She always had. But he said he wanted me, and I listened. I felt bad, but he said that what had happened was partly her fault too, and absolutely none of it was my fault. But I feel like maybe he still wanted her, I just distracted him from that. And now, because of me, she is gone. It's my fault.

And Future, just like me.

Now, I am the one falling. Watching their struggles, and falling into despair. Into the darkness, my attraction to the glamour and power of evil taking over. I watched them suffer, I continue to watch them suffer. I try in vain to reach them. Is their someone watching my struggles? Someone who is silently screaming my name, trying to pull me back towards the light? Or are the greedy hands pulling me down, laughing at my distress, the only ones who see? Who will be there to save me?

Or perhaps I have no saviour. Perhaps my failure to help my friends somehow condemns me to the same fate. Perhaps I am lost. And there is no one to blame but myself.

No. Please, no.

I don't think it's ever been so hard to mind my own business before. I suppose I've always been nosy twit, but it's helped more than it's hurt. Now, for all I know, you could be laying there dying, and I can't say a thing because I should never have read that, I should never have known. I can't say a thing, I can't let you know that people really care. I care. Maybe I shouldn't. I barely know you. But I do care. I do. At first I think I cared because he did. I know he cares about you, if if not in the way that he did. The way that you want. Sometimes I wonder if I really don't love him as much as I think I do, if it would be better for both of you if you were still together. You would each have someone who could keep up with you. We both know that I'll ever be able to.

I just called poison control, and they said that you could have stopped breathing. Oh god. My hands are shaking so hard, I'm surprised I can even type. They said to call your parents so they could take you to the hospital. Immediately. Oh god. This happened 9 hours ago. For all I know, you could be dead right now. 9 hours ago, your tongue was numb and the letters on the screen made no sense. That was 3 o'clock this morning. When would they have found you? Where are you now?

I can't concentrate. I can't breathe. I don't know what's going on. Future, wake up. I'm afraid for her. Please call me. Or her mom. That would be more important. Let me know that she' s okay. Let me know that she is gone and will finally have peace. Just tell me. I can't stand not knowing.

And Brilliance, there is nothing wrong with crying. Four times in the last two days? That's okay. Crying is a way of expressing how you feel. It's healthy. I'm crying right now. With worry and concern and care. For you. And your family? I don't know them, I barely know you. I know so much about you, but we've never actually spoken to each other. We've never actually been 'introduced' or anything. We just know each other because of our circumstances. But if your family doesn't care, if they do hate you, then it their damn loss. You shouldn't take your own life because of that. Their damn loss. I happen to know that you are an incredibly brilliant, caring, just person. Don't think that no one cares. I'd do just about anything at this point to keep you alive.

God, I know you're there, even if she doesn't. Please help her. I don't know why I care so much, she's never said more than 10 words to me in my life. But she can't die. Don't take take her. Not yet. Maybe it's some pathetic illusion that I have that we could eventually become friends. I know it probably won't happen. Maybe it's some saviour-complex need to help her get through this, to find the truth and light and joy in life. I don't know. But I know that I respect her. I admire and revere her. Don't let her die.